so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
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