Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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