pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
