My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
How external is "for external use only"?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
