PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Randomize
