My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
