last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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