Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
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