I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
