youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
