I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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