And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
