Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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