Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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