My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
