This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
