Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
