Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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