Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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