i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Just invented taco cereal.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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