They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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