I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
