Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
