On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize
