I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
