So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
