Soap is not a condiment
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
