Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
