I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
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