I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
