I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
