3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
