They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
