I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
