cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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