Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
