Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
