Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
