she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
My feet surprised me
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
