If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
