Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
