wakey wakey hands off snakey
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Randomize
