I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
