someone get that fucking seahorse.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
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