that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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