I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
