My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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