Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
