Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
