Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
