thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
