i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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